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so i dont know what im doing. im binging and purging and starving. and i just dont know any more. all i know is that im so fucking fat. and it kills me. everytime i look in the mirror. i hate myself and i hate my life. and i hate god for everything.

honestly...i hate my life right now. and i really mean it. i mean honestly..with dad and everything. i just cant take it anymore...and im not sure if god can do anything about it. i just cant take it anymore...i want out.

Dear God:
hey. i havent really talked to You since sunday. i havent wanted to. but im kind of scared. You know whats on my mind right now...my talk with Lucia this morning and what heather said last night. lets start with the one with heather.
im so glad that You put people in my life to pray for me when i need it. but God im not sure if im doubting You right now, or if im just too afraid to trust You and too afraid not to. this normal, apparently. but its so hard for me. like i get to this point where i cant trust anyone and its so hard for me. because i need You in my life. i NEED YOU to love me. i havent done anything worth loving...ive done things that You shouldnt love me for. but God, i so so so need You to love me. and i guess i can stop pretending that i deserve what i already have. i have Your love. oh my word...i just realized this. i have Your love. i dont need to earn it...i dont need to want it...its just there. like barlowgirl would say: "and i need You to love me. and i, i wont keep my heart from You this time. and ill stop this pretending that i can somehow deserve what i already have. i need You to love me."
then this morning...with lucy. wow. her prayer for me for next year...that i will come back and be on fire for You. that ill be punching people with You. ive never heard it put quite like that. but do You think that it could happen? i know Your God, and that You can do anything that You want to...but do You really think that ill ever be that on fire for You? i cant see it right now...but ive heard it once said that if the Lord brings ya to it, He'll bring you thru it. im not sure if i believe that or not...but i guess ive just got to trust You with that...right? after all, You are God.
i love You. i know i go thru some rough spots where im not sure if i can trust You or not...but i think i can. just taking time out to talk to You...i feel safe. i love you.

     Ugh! I'm so frustrated right now...that all I can get is a surface level relationship with me and God. I want so much to go deeper into Him and grow and learn and love Him. And allow Him to change me and my life for His purpose. But I'm so afraid to go to Him. Will He take me back? After everything that I've ever done, will He still love me? And why? Why on earth does He choose to love me of all people? I'm nothing but a screw up, a failure, a no good, nothing girl. Why would He love me? I've cheated, lied, messed up, over and over and now all He wants to do is love me and forgive me. Why?
     I'm not complaining here, I'm really not, but why on earth would He love me after all I've done?
This song by John Waller describes my feelings exactly:
     Still Calls Me Son by John Waller
I drug his name through godless places
And I've known shame that no child of his should know
I've seen pain on broken faces
Beyond all thought of hope
I was just too far from home
Still I always wondered when I closed my eyes

After all I've done
Could he run to me?
Would he kiss my face?
Could he even look at me?
After where I've been
should he take me back?
I would understand
I've disgraced him
But it would be amazing
If he still calls me son

With nothing left for me to bring him
I left my pride and turned my heart toward home
I saw my home on the horizon
And from a distance
I saw my Father
Watching for his own with forgiving eyes

After all I'd done
He just ran to me
Then he kissed my face
He would not let go of me
After where I'd been
He just welcomed me
I didn't understand
But he put his robe on me
It was so amazing
That he still called me son

One day as I breathe my last
And I know my days on earth have ended
When every hour is spent
I will close my eyes in amazement
And I'll hear angels
They'll be singing

Amazing Grace
Cause he will run to me
And he will kiss my face
He will not let go of me
After where I've been
He will welcome me
I won't understand
How he'll put his robe on me
It will be amazing
That he'll still call me son

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
When he calls me son
I once was lost but now I'm found
Cause he calls me Son 

     And I don't know why, but for whatever reason, God loves me. And that's okay by me.


     Okay, well I've just been doing a ton of thinking lately about everything that's been going on and I've realized something...that I don't know what the heck I'm doing most of the time. I mean, with my counselor and stuff...why did I ask to switch when we might have actually been getting somewhere? How stupid was that? I mean seriously...
      But I think it might be better for me if I had a fresh start because, well, I need one and my life is totally a mess right now and I need help fixing that when really, the only person that can fix it is God. And He is, but its so hard to allow that to happen when I'm not even sure that I can trust myself to believe that He exsists 100% of the time. And it's even more difficult when I can't even see Him or hear Him except thru other people because it's not like He can speak to me directly.
     But it makes me sad to think about how I haven't trusted Him when I know I should have. I mean, how many Bible verses do I know that tell me that? Too many. I once heard it said that there are 100 steps between me and God. God will take the first 99, we have to choose to take the last one. And I guess I'm afraid to take that step because if I think about it...I'm leaving a lot behind.
     But I know that it will be soo much better for me if I do trust in God. Then I think about all of the other times I have failed Him and my family and my friends, and I'm just not sure that I can take that kind of pressure any more. I mean, I know that God will forgive me each and every time, but still...I hate knowing that I have done something that dissappoints Him and makes Him mad.
     Yet everyday, I long to take that chance. I yearn to live my life for God, but I don't know how. Because God is God and He's scary. I've heard it said that you don't have to climb the whole staircase today, just take the first step. But where is that step? And where is it going to led me?
     There's soo many questions that I feel stupid asking because everyone else already has the answers to them and I don't.


All THings Possible

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